A daffodil !

@zaxxon Yes, I feel similarly. Like, I can speak their language with a heavy accent, but they often can't form a sentence in mine.

@zaxxon I totally understand. I feel the same way. Unfortunately it seems most people won't understand. In order to understand they would have to listen and learn, be a little curious. And no matter the neurotype, those are disappearing qualities it feels like. But maybe I'm also feeling a bit callous today too. 😓 I'm not sure the way out of this track, but if I find one, I'll let you know. 💖

Ah fuck. I did it again. I went to the gym an hour too early and it's not open. Get it together, man!! Walking back home.... 😶‍🌫️

@zaxxon More and more I don't tell people I'm autistic. I think a lot of people don't really know what that means, so it's like I might as well say I'm fsdklmjqsdflm. They don't get it. But I do say I can't do this or that thing and need help with it. If they don't want to help (by being more explicit, helping me anticipate, etc.), well, then I call that out on face value as just being a bad, unsympathetic person. Sometimes that goes over better, sometimes it doesn't. More often, a little better

If I were in the world of Fear and Hunger, I would definitely be in a Sylvian cult. The probability only increases the more modern the setting.
Not necessarily the Bunny Masks though. But definitely a Sylvain cult.

Hearing this music... fills you with DETERMINATION. ❤️

https://youtu.be/Kq6jEeeBSQ4

@fishidwardrobe Yeah. That. I had to break it off with a guy lately because there was a lot of that. And I think that's the first time I can remember where I decided, "you know, I communicated what I need in order to understand each other and this person doesn't want to do that, so I guess that's where it stops" Instead of trying and trying only to exhaust myself, which is what I normally do. Did. :)

@fishidwardrobe For what it's worth, I don't find their communication style or behavior mysterious. We're surrounded by it and have no choice to understand it if we want to move in this world, but I remain frustrated by it none the less. Much like cultural differences I have living outside of my country of birth. I understand why these things happen, but they are none the less frustrating and present obstacles.

@fishidwardrobe My experience is that they do think they're being clear. I think we all think we're being clear, really. But some people when you point out "that's not what you said" react one way (oh I guess that's not exactly what I said) and some react another (well you were supposed to understand). For the first group, we're all good. For the second, well, you see, if I could just understand by seeming magic, I guess I wouldn't be autistic then 😅 And with that second group, you can't do much

@fishidwardrobe Totally. This is what most of my therapy sessions deal with in one way or another.

One of the biggest frustrations I have communicating with allistics is when they finally see with their eyes a situation I've been describing and their reaction was, "I thought you were exaggerating!" No, actually. I mean, we all have our biases that can color our perspectives, but I do this revolutionary thing of.... saying what I mean. Go figure.

@AutisticDoctorStruggles I see what you're saying but humanity at small is almost giving me a run for my money these days too. I'll figure something out though. Mostly because I have no choice

Tonight I got to talk a few hours with a friend I hadn't seen in a long while. And who I had forgotten I had that much in common with. And that much respect for.
It was nice. It brought me back down to Earth again, a little off the edge. A little glimmer of hope in this exhaustion and despair I've been feeling towards "humanity at large" lately.
I still feel as uncertain as ever where to take myself, but I know at least I'm a little less alone.

@hnt I know what you mean. The fear of loss inevitably follows from the idea of possession. The only remedy to that fear is recognizing that possession is impossible and so we have to enjoy what we have while we have it to the fullest before it's gone one day. And eventually we realize nothing lasts... but that that's actually a good thing.

Sad news: The menu/start button of my Steam Deck seems kaput. I bought it used roughly under a year ago so I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. So I started looking up my options. Sending it away, repairing it myself... Self repairs seemed doable but slightly risky. Then I remembered those back buttons that I barely have use for! I'll just remap them and wait till I have a game that causes problems with. Sometimes the solution is simpler than we think!

You see, the problem is, I'm trying to be too many people. But how could I stop being even one of them? How do you decide which arm to cut off? You don't. You just keep growing these arms and legs and eyes and ears until you've become a mutant. And you walk around the world that way. In all the glory and all the horror. Because very few could ever willingly separate out a cherished part of themselves and throw it in the trash.

Actually one more. 😅 I think the reason I have a bee in my bonnet over this scene is because it once again rests on "I'm just like you", as if sexuality is some detail or afterthought. It's not uncommon for a child to say, but the script clearly switches tone and it's the writers having a moment, not the character. The social ramifications of our sexuality often send us on very different life trajectoires and outlooks. For the better and for the worse. Acknowledging that is true acceptance.

I know it's the 80s and maybe I'm supposed to read it that way and not like a "today" way. And maybe it's because I was too dumb to be closeted as a child because of the tism. But the coming out scene in Stranger Things was cringe as hell. Actually I'm just annoyed with Noah's character in general.
Oh and that fear of your straight friends growing apart from you? They won't. Until they have children and a family and you don't. Then they'll drift away.
Okay. I've had my "🙄" moment.

I woke up feeling pretty grand all things considered! So I'm back to the gym after a few days break. Oh and that pi hole? A few adjustments to make but it's basically working! I had to temporarily disable IPv6 on my computer and a few apps on my phone aren't working but I already found a few things to try to fix all that. So, uh, I guess ya boy's back in action, ready to be an absolute MENACE once again in the city of Nantes ! Not even the Batman can stop me! 🤪😈